Latina Lina

Time to decide

2009-12-09T02:29:00.000-08:00

So I have known this for awhile... I am very perceptive about my strengths- but more intuitively- about my weaknesses and demons. It is RESOLVING my issues or weaknesses where I run into difficulty.

I have looked back at my blogs (which are not many) and are SO depressing! Maybe because I started this blog when I lost someone I really cared about to my own craziness and weaknesses... when I knew better. And like I said- since pain breeds creativity- I seemed to be inspired to write when I was down and feeling sorry for myself... and lonely.

Things I Do, But Know Better:

Procrastinate: I am a chronic procratinator like I mentioned previously... combination of indecisiveness and laziness (I like how I denied I was lazy earlier. Ha!)

Feel Sorry for Myself: I do this a lot... esp lately. It is a result of not having a whole lot to do before Spain so I feel worthless and think WAAAAAY too much.

Worry about my TOO far future: sure, it is smart to plan for your future, which is what I am doing with the Spain adventure followed by grad school or more teaching... but stressing about what will work out, or not, or what I will want to do, or what I will want to learn, or where I will want to live, what opportunities I will have, and on and on... Just make a plan. Take it step by step. Do it and enjoy it.

Not living for the moment: this kinda has to do with the previous statement. Life is happening. RIGHT NOW. I have always been looking to the next step, the next thing I SHOULD be doing, where I compare to societal standards... and this just causes me to feel guilty when I am having fun or taking care of myself, and feeds my insecurities when going after my goals.

And my favorite....
Invest in others activities/ goals rather than go after or create my own: latching on to others involvements can lead to a false sense of what you are achieving, only to creep up on you one day until you have a break down about "what am I doing with my life???" i.e. when in a relationship and loosing yourself in every event, activity, or job your "other" is involved in as a way to feel worth. This is not bad, as long as you have a solid sense-of-self and that your own goals, socially or professionally, are not being compromised. Referring to my feeling of being lost in life, someone once told me, "Just pick a direction and do it... and you will be great. But you just have to pick." They were right... and all my other loves of life- like art and poetry and whatnot- can be side hobbies or even businesses to whatever career I may have. I can still feed my "Jack-of-all-trades" personality for life, and is really the only healthy option! And it is with this mentality that would allow me to have a healthy and progressive relationship. Damn, the truth is harsh.

I am picking: I like Student Affairs. For real. Its me. So me. All of it so much I am not even going to begin why it is so me. It is the way for me to end up in California, to be permanent once and for all, to live, feel like I am being a service to people who need it, to LOVE my work, to be challenged, to be able to learn and grow forever, and to be stable. Ahhh... to be stable. Wow... I must be growing older and maturing if I am dreaming of being "stable." Ha... no one tell Party Paulina. ;)

I read a Student Affairs blogs from a young professional for like 2 hours tonight... and it reminded me of all of my weaknesses above and opened my eyes, again, that I am doing the right thing. When I was an RA in college, I remember that at the end of the year... I told my residents, "I cared about you all before I met you, and I love you all now." After reading that girls' blog all night (and I have NO idea who she is), I can sense the same sentiment in her words. It is easy to like your colleagues, and love the university perhaps, and sometimes become daunted by the politics of the "system," but in the end... you are surrounded by people that care about the well being of students. Random people. And we care. Ha... I like how I said "WE" like I am already a student affairs professional. It is me and I need to get there already. No more procrastinating, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more worrying about what I cannot control, no more ignoring how great my life is right now, and no more focusing on others because I am afraid to try and fail. Cause not-trying up until now has felt pretty shitty. Spain is set, grad school apps is up. Small, manageable, steps. ;)

Books and Procrastination

2009-12-01T23:30:00.001-08:00

Happy December! So since my last entry... I have taken my GRE. Eh... I did ok. I could have tried harder to study, but motivation for anything has been an effort these past couple months.

With the completion of my GRE, I have begun my tireless work applying to grad schools... ok, that is kinda a lie and is what I usually tell people I have been doing. I am a CHRONIC procrastinator... which I have deduced does NOT stem from laziness, but extreme indecisiveness. I am motivated by excitement and passion... (or a deadline) which I am not feeling at the moment. Everytime I sit down to work on my apps or personal statements or resumes, I find that in no time at all I am daydreaming about job searching, my plan when I get home from Spain, IF I should even go to Spain, if grad school is even for me, how I want to go into art, if I am suited for non-profits, how I can't wait to be abroad and yet can't wait to come back home, all that I will miss out on if I go abroad, and of course... jason. Frustrated and having worked myself into a dejected spiral, I end up scrawling out my pain in the form of some self-deprecating poetry that ends with a glimmer of hope or moral revealed... and I feel a little better. At least I know that the poetry book I've always wanted to write is making slow progress. My grad apps... not so much.

It is weird thought: I often wonder how real Spain ever was to me? Like, I wonder if my passion was ever truly there... or did the idea serve more as a placeholder to when I DID find my way, a way that I was proud of??? And did I say it so much that I felt obligated to go? And now am I flaunting "grad school" as the new acceptable next-step that I will eventually have to do for the same obligatory reasons? Wow... for someone so mellow on the outside with nicknames like "Sunshine" and "Bubbles"... I stress out a lot privately. Oh well, darts at the dart board... I am bound to score some time.

What I DID manage to finish this week so far... two books: Shadow of the Wind, by Carlos Ruiz Zafon, and Know-it-All, by A.J. Jacobs. Over the past year or so, I have started approximately 6 books... and before this week, I had only finished one so far (The Alchemist... and I have previously read it, so that does not count so much!)

Back to my recent reads: I have recently revived my lust for the paper-back and am glad to be enthralled again! With my news of possible Spain-travels circulating, one of my Sat. morn old bar regulars brought me a book. "It's a book about a book... mystery-like... set in Spain... written by a Spanish author... and a gorgeous read!" On the cover, besides the Shadow-title, there is a quotation from Stephen King: "One gorgeous read." So it must be true.

Have you ever finished a book and hugged it? Who does that?!?! That's what I did when I finished that book this week. A beautiful, captivating, mysterious read with gothic undertones and eccentric characters. It did not hold back on the pain and tragedy people cause themselves and those around them from pride, revenge, love lost, or fear... like in other good-feel novels I've read. Yet in the same respect, it did not skimp on the raw pleasure and happiness achievable by man. The sad part about finishing a book for the first time- especially a good one- is the feeling that a little something is missing now. The spell it held over you for so long is gone and you miss it. Like a good friend who is no longer around when you wanna hang out. Maybe I subconsciously don't finish things because I do not like the finality of it... the "what next factor"?
Omg, I am a ridiculous over analyzer! Ha!

The other book, Know-it-all, was not as involving as Shadow, but enjoyable in it's own way. A NY journalist and editor embarks on a quest to read the entire Encyclopedia from A-Z. It is part educational and part biographical but very funny: straight-forward dry humor about daily life full of deadlines, insecurities, self-doubt, religion, little victories, making mistakes, relationships, family... and how all of that somehow intersects with the EB entries he reads. You learn a lot of random shit and also it is very endearing. I finished it tonight, and at the end, the author brings up a fable where wise men of a kingdom condensed all the encyclopedia's knowledge into a single entry: "This too shall pass." Kinda a cool thought, right???

Ok, I am done with my long nerdy-blog for the night. Next on my list is to FINALLY finish The Unbearable Lightness of Being, which I only started because John Cusack's character in the movie "High Fidelity" mentions it (thanks for getting it for me, Niki!)

Now go read something.

Studying for the GRE in La Verne...

2009-11-10T16:19:00.001-08:00

So I was studying for like 4 hours today in the La Verne college library which is down the street from my parents house... and EVERY time I walked by the computer areas, I SWEAR: 2 out of 3 students (if not more) were just on facebook.

I'm gonna go update my post right now and let the world know my findings. ;)

BTW: I think I understand fractions and percentages better now than I did in elementary and middle school.

I do what I want!!!! =)

2009-11-09T23:41:00.000-08:00

I have neglected this blog for too long... almost embarrassed by the idea that the whole world could read my thoughts... or that certain people MIGHT read my thoughts... hmm. But I need to work on this whole idea called "not giving a fuck and do what's right for you." I *think* that is what it is called.... ;)

These past few months have been a roller coaster... literally: high fun points and uncertain lows... but overall I am glad someone got me on the ride. In short, I am still waiting on a resolution to my visa woes (I was denied initially due to the date changes that were a result of them taking too long to process my visa... can we say Catch 22???) So Spain is being difficult and I do not know how long I can wait to go... feeling like I am in a perpetual HOLD position. In the mean time, I decided to go for the gusto and apply to graduate programs in higher ed/ student affairs. I am basically looking at my life to-do list and slashing things off: going back to school, living abroad... I'm gonna try to do both and it is making for a busy couple months. But like with any big decision I face, I dive into the "what if" scenarios that inevitably lead to my demise! Am I really passionate about grad school? Why did I really want to go to Spain in the first place and why now? Should I just look for other jobs, make money now, and pursue art and sculpture on the side which has also been my dream??? But I need a meaningful job that changes lives... but those don't make money, right??? Don't I want to live somewhere permanent already, and is OC that home???

I hate being complicated. I am trying to do what is right for me and I suck at that because I am constantly questioning what "that" is. And I am easily influenced by others and self-conscious that I am "behind" in the game of life... horrible thoughts... right?!?!?

But at least I have learned a few things: I have new found sense of self, I am very capable, I am creative, I love life, and I need to calm down when I think about my next life move... because I have a lot going for me.

Today I laughed at the idea of how my once "genius" teach abroad plan has now been destroyed, and I am now resorted to just going for it ALL and seeing what lands... like a game of darts.

I also laughed thinking about how my friend's shirt caught on fire in a bar this weekend... but that is neither here nor there. See??? Life is great and it's the little moments that matter, and I forget that sometimes.

Tomorrow is another day full of studying for the gre, grad apps, fighting with the Spanish Embassy, job searching for the hell of it, and writing. =)

Growing up

2009-10-07T10:01:00.000-07:00

Thank goodness for running, the Alchemist, and the reaching out I did this week. If it weren't for these 3 things I might not be where I am... fine. Feel like myself again and I have not for a long while. Too bad it came at a cost... but was necessary. I quote movies again, a sarcastic bastard again, I smile genuinely again, hmmmm... I didn't know I was not being myself until I was forced to be reminded that I am all I have really.

My blogs are so cryptic I apologize if anyone actually reads this, HA! But it helps me, so that is all that matters. It is a weird feeling to be happy and feel progressive and also feel a loss and feel a longing for someone. Weird???

I am excited about this crazy month coming up before Spain... lots of overdue mini adventures before my big one. And catching up with myself and other friends that is long overdue also!

Poems.

2009-10-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

At least there is no more doubt. At least pain breeds creativity (thank you Almost Famous)! Fortunately, I was able to write these today and it placated me temporarily. (I am getting pretty good at this sad-bastard role!)

Baby Blue

I am sick all the time
The audio repeating,
it's toxic-
I'm noxious-
The sound of you giving me away
Replays
And Replays
Until I throw up.

We were set up for doom
Before planes to Spain,
Before blank tape,
Before 63,
Before I was in the other room,

But it felt serendipitous...
Your kiss: solace.
Your support: unreal.
Your wear: unfair.

And I would give it all back if you didn't have to see the darkness with me; within me.

Couldn't I live in my little land of denial
A little while longer?
Can you hold me if I promise
Not to ask you to squeeze?
Will you let me sleep in your bed-
Pretend it's in my head-
That we would even think to leave???

Because this pain is new,
And I am weakened from trying to be strong
too long.
And by trying to do right,
I did wrong.
And I cry listening to
Dave's Baby Blue song.

-me, 10/1/09

High Fidelity

I can't sleep, so I write.
I can't eat, so I write,
About heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery, and loss.
Echoing verses from the Great Poets of the past...

Day and night.

Celebrated for
Hurt & tell,
Kiss & hell,

And the masses cheered,
Surely bought drinks and beer,
Coddled these sensitive souls
for years...

But did it bring her back?

Did the blood and salt soaked pages
make it to its intended home?
Or just help Nobodys finally
be able to express their woes?

I can only write
And I can only hope.

-me, 10/01/09

VIVA LA VERNE!

2009-09-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

So I am NOT leaving for Spain as soon as I thought. WOW. My VISA is not ready and will not be this week... so I must start the Nov course date, NOT the October one. So I will be around longer and do not have to rush. And I will be hanging in the La Verne! Woo Hoo! I can finish my GREs at least. I am over stressing about everything... it is All Good. =)

Year of the Boar

2009-09-27T22:14:00.000-07:00

I just created this blog. I have a million things on my mind and cannot yet bring myself to put them down in writing. I am numb from the emotional roller coaster I have been on for the past few months, and I am more scared about what I am losing or have already lost, than my upcoming adventure. The funny thing is that this quest (yes, it has now graduated to a quest), has not "created" the problems/ fears I mentioned, it has just brought to light faster the internal issues and insecurities I possess that consistently- and negatively- affect all aspects of my life. Taking steps to break the patterns and better myself, because when I am happy with who I am inside again, the rest will fall into place. =)

Ok, so maybe I can put some down in writing.

But I digress: I found it interesting that this blog identifies your Chinese zodiac sign. I slightly remembered I was a pig or something from what my Sister told me when I was young... but it seems I am a Boar. Here are some striking qualities that those closet to me reading this will find amusing:

-Boars are self-reliant, very sociable, dependable, and extremely determined.

-Boars are peace lovers and don't hold grudges. They hate arguments, tense situations, and try to bring both sides together.

-In life they make deep and long-lasting friendships. Boars enjoy social gatherings of all kinds, and look for parties to attend. In fact, Boars must watch themselves so that their incessant pursuit of pleasure doesn't interfere with other aspects of their lives.

-Boars have big hearts. A problem that Boars have is that they are too innocent and naive. Being honest and trustworthy themselves, they have a hard time understanding the motives of those with less scruples.

-Before they reach a decision they weigh all the pros and cons. They definitely want to avoid complications. Sometimes they ponder so long they miss the opportunity altogether.

-In romance, if not careful, Boars may be taken advantage of. Boars trust everyone and believe everything they hear.

-They are unselfish and enjoy helping their friends. Although they are gullible, they are actually quite intelligent and know how to take care of their own. If you hurt their feelings, Boars often carry the pain for years. They have a hard time saying no to those of concern. Often they wish they had said no.

-Boars will always be looking for ways to work off all their extra energy. They work and play hard. Even if they lose everything, Boars manage to bounce back. Their life path supply them with all they need. The Chinese believe Boars own the Horn of Plenty.

Interesting.

I am 6 days from departure and scared. Sorry to be such a debbie-downer, but it is honest. We will see how this whole blog thing works out.